Shut indoors in the middle of a pandemic / you would think it would be quiet / but my two young children are yelling over nothing/the phone is ringing with relatives / updates from the school board / conference calls I can’t bear to pay attention to/outside—a siren, then two / emails and voicemails with urgent missives / the manufactured hysteria surrounding both deadlines and tasks roars in my ears / I long to reply with … Really? Is this REALLY important? What’s going to happen if I don’t do this by 5pm? What? NOTHING. That’s what / but instead my keys plink in soothing staccato tones / I promise results

I type long FB msgs to worried friends / tell amusing stories about my kids to cheer them up / post heartwarming videos / memes and always reply to comments / read all the new government updates / I’m on on on / I write the book chapter that is overdue to my publisher / attend a webinar and make sure to contribute / prepare my upcoming keynote / write grocery lists / supply lists / telephone lists / deliver essential items to those that need them / make sure to exercise and drink lots of water / cook all three meals from scratch / oversee my sons’ cello and piano practices / the house is filled with music

We walk in the woods and I point out to my children this / this is lungwort / if mummy gets sick and can’t stop coughing go into the forest and bring this home and we’ll brew tea / I show them how to use the stove / remind them to feed the chickens / I talk and sing and holler up the stairs / I type and write until the pencil makes dents in my hands and still I can’t say what I need to / can’t get to the place where anything feels right / where my internal tuning fork hits pitch

I tuck them into bed / stand in my studio / tug on the thread of an unfinished shirtdress / something I was making to wear to an office I can no longer go to / to impress people I no longer see

I sew the buttons on anyway / my hands sit in my lap / I don’t weep / I just feel the weight and beauty of the silence / I am comfortable here / when I finally stop talking I can hear my own voice