/ when i was small my mother used to perch up on the chesterfield in the living room /
mirror asleep along the top of the cushion / the sun's blood caressing her face / bleeding
through the panes while she plucks her eyebrows / she still does it sure /

                                                     YOU DO YERS D'ERE NOW

\ this is the first time i've been in lawn in fourteen months \ didn't realize that much time
has gone by \

                                           MY JESUS YOU GOT TO COME HOME!
                                IT'S CHRISTMAS B'Y, YER FADDER & GRANDMUDDER
                                          HAVEN'T SEEN YOU IN OVER A YEAR

/ i didn't bother trying to explain / how i was in a depressive state /

\ 3 and a half hours scrunched up in the van over the trans canada highway \ 2 masks
glued to our face so we don't bring corona back to the bay \ 1 piss on the side of the road
between marystown and st. lawrence \

/ on our way back / to the house / where i had the cops called on me / when i was 16 / for
being overwhelmingly out of control / can't say i completely disagree /

\ i was somethin' fuckin' else \ besides what my crowd knew how to make a home with \
same spot where i sat at the table with my very first social worker \ doing anger
management i thought i didn't need \

/ it's a mystery to me / how CYFS can force kids between mandatory therapy and juvy /
while the parents are free to quit after one session / how surprising /

\ when i got through the door \ by the christ the whole house was spattered in red green
silver and gold \ ornaments all over the place streeled across every ledge my dear \
snowmen stickers sprinkled along the windows \

/ i have nothing at my apartment / nar decoration nor tree except a whirlwind of ADHD /
how fitting /

\ not a speck of snow on the ground outside \ neither leave on the trees either \

/ i wonder how many christmases will look like this / now that the island has heat records
in august / while the sea level rises /

\ i remembers when judy foote first built the new school \ sure it was closed half winter
long \ couldn't even run a truck through the lot of snow we got \ swallowed the whole
fuckin' guard rail \ and don't even go there about the roads from here to st. lawrence \

/ god love the b'ys who drove the flyers / they were the only thing / that kept us alive
back then / not that i knew the difference anyways / i was only a youngster / glad i had a
week or so off school to spend on the sled / how shrewd /

\ i spent the last year buried in bed or in front of my tv \ trying to find some semblance of
peace \ nearly let myself rot sat criss cross month after month \ something i later found
out you're not supposed to do \ if you plan to walk anywhere anytime soon \

                                                      WHEN YOU FEELS BETTER

/ you'll have to make up for it / at the spasmodique clinique / somewhere i didn't know
existed til i pushed my body far too far / bonsoir mr. pm&r / one more white coat to join
the team just for me / not in crisis but clean up from where i used to be /

\ the nesting place for two giant mats of depression hair \ a recent species of suffering to
me \ beginning with a half hour bent over the tub starting to solve a puzzle i had no idea i
started \ til it was far too gone for me or mom to do anything about \ besides cover my
whole head in conditioner and hope for the best \

/ shampoo'd 3 times prior cause neither of us knows how to read a fuckin' bottle /

                                                  LARD JESUS ITS NOT MY FAULT

\ screams to laughter \ our new normal \

/ and she's still there / holding the shower head / and mine /

                                                   WELL IT NEEDS TO BE DONE

\ it's the first time she's washed my hair \ like this since i was a child \ tugs and all \

                                                           I'M SORRY B'Y
                                               I DON'T MEAN TO HURT YOU

/ long overdue /

\ wash \ rinse \ repeat \

over+over by Violet Drake