Shut indoors in the middle of a pandemic / you would think it would be quiet / but my two young children are yelling over nothing/the phone is ringing with relatives / updates from the school board / conference calls I can’t bear to pay attention to / outside—a siren, then two / emails and voicemails with urgent missives / the manufactured hysteria surrounding both deadlines and tasks roars in my ears / I long to reply with … Really? Is this REALLY important? What’s going to happen if I don’t do this by 5pm? What? NOTHING. That’s what / but instead my keys plink in soothing staccato tones / I promise results
I type long FB msgs to worried friends / tell amusing stories about my kids to cheer them up / post heartwarming videos / memes and always reply to comments / read all the new government updates / I’m on on on / I write the book chapter that is overdue to my publisher / attend a webinar and make sure to contribute / prepare my upcoming keynote / write grocery lists / supply lists / telephone lists / deliver essential items to those that need them / make sure to exercise and drink lots of water / cook all three meals from scratch / oversee my sons’ cello and piano practices / the house is filled with music
We walk in the woods and I point out to my children this / this is lungwort / if mummy gets sick and can’t stop coughing go into the forest and bring this home and we’ll brew tea / I show them how to use the stove / remind them to feed the chickens / I talk and sing and holler up the stairs / I type and write until the pencil makes dents in my hands and still I can’t say what I need to / can’t get to the place where anything feels right / where my internal tuning fork hits pitch
I tuck them into bed / stand in my studio / tug on the thread of an unfinished shirtdress / something I was making to wear to an office I can no longer go to / to impress people I no longer see
I sew the buttons on anyway / my hands sit in my lap / I don’t weep / I just feel the weight and beauty of the silence / I am comfortable here / when I finally stop talking I can hear my own voice
I feel just what you are saying and I know how hard you try everyday to make things right for your family and friends and people at work you are amazing. I can’t begin to find the words that will make you feel just how amazing you are I can tell you everyday that you are.I so admire all you stand for and all you set out to do. I can’t be there at this time to help you with all you have to get done but I am here in your corner cheering you on (GO GIRL GO ) I hope you feel it in your heart if not sit down up in your beautiful new studio with a hot cup of tea and start by breathing deep and slow just in and out now close those beautiful brown eyes you have and try and relax in and out knowing with every breath you take that you are loved and respected and cherished know that I am so proud of you in all that you do and think and feel even the dark stuff and for most of all you putting your foot forward every single day. Month after month so proud it brings tears to may eyes the incredible women that you are. Missing you my superstar!
Thank you!!